The conundrum of shedding tears for home while having the time of your life

It’s taken me a while to write this blog post. Part of the reason has been a very busy school life as well as a very busy social life. In the last month, we had the end of the first school semester so while the students were easing down before their summer vacation, I was busy planning a two-week English Camp (holiday programme) that would run during the school vacation (more on that wonderful experience in another blog). There were also a few awesome social events and trips that Mbali and I attended on weekends. Part of our intentions for our time in Korea is to see many parts of the country so that means travelling whenever we get the opportunity. In the last month, we attended the Seoul Pride event, which was a crazy, wet and amazing experience! Walking and dancing with the parade in the streets of Seoul while the rain poured down on us was a magical moment none of us will forget.

It was a wet, wet, wet Seoul Pride parade!

Proud allies of the LGBTQIA2S+ community!

We also visited another Korean city, Ulsan, where we could spend some quality by the water at Ilsan beach. I had no idea how much I missed the beach until I was there. Living in Cape Town, the beach is generally a 10-20-minute drive from wherever home is, whereas here you have to take a two-hour trip in order to reach the ocean. So best believe I was overjoyed being near the sea and jumped in as soon as I could!

Big smiles at Ilsan beach in Ulsan! :):)

The other part of the reason for taking time to write this post has been a major feeling of discomfort that lasted longer than expected. For most of July, I struggled with homesickness, which I had not anticipated, nor expected to last so long. Even while having the absolute best time of my life at Seoul Pride (that’s truly how that day felt), by the evening I felt an intense need to go home to Cape Town. Throughout the month, it was really strange experiencing genuine happiness at school with my students, or fun times with Mbali, as well as immense gratitude for being here. Yet, part of me longed to go home and be in familiar surroundings. It was really strange. I’d spend a weekend with Mbali in Pyeongtaek, come home to Daejeon on Sunday, and feel a deep sense of loneliness and a need to not be here anymore – to the point of questioning whether I could complete the year-long contract. 

There was a day at school when my co-teacher must have noticed I was off and asked me what was wrong and I just said I missed home. This was right before a class. So, as I walked to class, the tears fell. Before I entered, I quickly wiped them away (thank goodness for the mask), walked into the class, smiled brightly and said ‘good morning everyone!’ Regardless of how you feel or how difficult things are, you have to show up. I have to show up and be the best teacher I can be for each and every class, which means a lot of energy is given to pretend to be absolutely fine. Also, I genuinely enjoy teaching all of my students so when I see them, I want to have high energy and display lots of positivity. And because of that, I found it difficult to share experiences in a blog, nor did I have the energy to do so. I also want to write about the joys of teaching and the funny bits that happen every day with students yet part of me felt it would not be true to what I had been experiencing at the time. 

About two weeks ago I had a session with my life coach, something I do every week. I described my struggle with the discomfort; finding it difficult to comprehend feeling so happy but also so alone and wanting to go home. Then Coach Kurt reminded me about what this time in Korea is giving me: solitude, and the privilege of experiencing it. Before coming to Korea, one of the things I was looking forward to was starting a new journey alone as it would lead to personal growth in many aspects of my life that I felt I needed. I have always been close to my family and friends. I am blessed with wonderful parents, a close extended family and a friend network that is supportive beyond measure. Coming here would provide an independent life, where I’d need to fully rely on myself in trying to figure things out, and this I believed would lead to much-needed growth that I could not get at home in too-familiar spaces. For instance, I finally learnt how to blow-dry my hair!

The space and solitude have been a blessing, where I can prioritise my needs and learn more about Meryl and what she wants from life. So, when Coach Kurt reminded me of this and that I had chosen this path because I could see what it could do for my future growth, my perspective changed and the discomfort fell away. Yes, I still feel homesick from time to time but then I remind myself about the greater purpose of being here as well as the blessing that I am able to experience this journey right now. 'Short-term discomfort for long-term peace.'

Perhaps, in the future, I may not get this chance again; I may not get this time alone again, where I can selfishly concentrate on myself and all that I need and want to do. My friend Stacy shared this Brianna Wiest quote with me that I thought perfectly sums up my life right now: 

“If you ever get the chance, go alone. Walk alone, travel alone, live alone, dance alone. Just for a while. If you ever get the chance, learn who you are when the world isn’t demanding you be one way or another. Most people only know how to stand on their own if someone else will stand beside them. Don’t let that be your story. When you get the chance, know that the opportunity to walk alone, even for a bit, is a rare gift, one that will hand you insight that can change the course of your life.”

So, this year abroad is a gift to me and what a privilege it is to be able to enjoy this gift. And on that note, let me head out and catch my train as I go on a solo trip to Seoul for a few days! 

Till next time.

Meryl Joy Burgess